Your mouth is God's brothel.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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