look no pants
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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