3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
