tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
only you would photoshop your dick
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize