No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
