Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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