Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
