Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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