im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wish my penis had a tongue
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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