She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
