i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
