So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
