please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
