I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
