Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
thus making me awesome and them whores
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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