My room smells like vodka and shame
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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