At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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