Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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