You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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