My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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