I like my sex mixed with concussions.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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