i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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