I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
