Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
