Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
