she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
