I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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