they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
