New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
