i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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