So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
