There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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