just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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