He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
And then my night got REAL pukey
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
