literally had 100 drinks last night.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Dear god my vagina.
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