I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
