You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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