dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
