Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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