Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
