The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
