I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
