Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
