She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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