I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
