I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
