u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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