hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
