Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize