totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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