I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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