I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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