we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
