I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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