I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
