we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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