You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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