im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
