You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
