Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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