Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
