made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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