I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
