dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I could make wine with my vomit
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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