proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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