Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
